출근 전에 울었다. I cried before work, then shipped the launch

오늘은 그냥 솔직하게 쓰고 싶어요. I want to write honestly today. Sorry for mixed language...

Last week was launch week for big redesign at my company. Six weeks of crunch before. Every day office until 10 or 11 pm, Saturday also, sometimes Sunday "only for few hours". 야근, 주말 출근. Everyone does it, so nobody talks about it.

On launch day morning, I sat on my bed with my bag and shoes on. And I could not stand up. Not sick. Just... could not. I cried for maybe 20 minutes. 진짜 이유도 없이. Then I washed my face, took taxi (late for subway), and went to work. We launched at 2 pm. It went well. My team leader said "수고했어" (good work) and everyone went to 회식 (team dinner). I went home and slept 13 hours.

I write the technical part also, because maybe that is easier for me to write:

• The redesign was React 18 to new design system, about 140 components. We measured INP on main page and it was 380ms on low-end Android. Target was under 200.
• Biggest win was not clever. Product list re-rendered whole page on every filter click, because filter state was in top level context. We moved filter state down to the list and used useDeferredValue for the list. INP went to 170ms.
• Second win: one analytics script doing synchronous work on every click. We moved it into requestIdleCallback. 30ms more.

I am proud of this work. Really. But I think we could do it in 40 hour weeks if the planning was honest. Six weeks crunch was not because the work was big. It was because the deadline was decided before anyone asked engineers.

After launch I talked to my team leader. First time I said "I am not okay." He was quiet for a long time. Then he said he cried in his car before his own launch, 3 years ago. He never told anyone. 둘 다 별말 안 했는데... it helped, somehow.

Now I am trying small things. Lunch outside the office, 30 minutes, no phone. Leaving at 7 pm two days a week. My leader agreed. It is not much. But it is something.

If you are in crunch now: 괜찮지 않아도 괜찮아요. It is okay to not be okay. Please tell one person.