How I run 1:1s (the template, the three questions, and the thing I never do)
Six years of managing, a lot of mistakes, and the version I would hand to a new manager on day one.
Contents
I've been managing for six years and I've run something like 2,000 one-on-ones. Most of what I know about being a manager came out of those 30-minute meetings, including the ones I ran badly. Here's how I run them now.
The basics
- 30 minutes, weekly. I reschedule if I have to. I don't cancel. Cancelling tells people they're the first thing to go.
- It's their meeting, not mine. They set the agenda first. I add my items after theirs.
- A shared running doc, newest meeting at the top. Over a year it becomes a record of their growth that makes performance reviews much easier and much fairer.
The template
Date
Their topics:
My topics:
Commitments from last time (mine and theirs), done or not:
New commitments:
I start every 1:1 with my own commitments from last week. If I said I'd find out about the training budget, I report back first. Trust is built by managers keeping small promises, visibly.
The three questions I rotate in
- "What's taking more energy than it should right now?"
- "What would you like to be doing more of?"
- "Is there anything I could be doing better for you?"
For the third one, ask it and then wait. Count to ten in your head. The first five seconds of silence is when people decide whether you actually want the answer.
Once a month: career, separately
Career conversations get their own 1:1 once a month. If you mix them with weekly work topics, the urgent always wins and the important never happens.
The thing I never do
Status updates. That's what standup, tickets and the team channel are for. If a 1:1 turns into "here's what I worked on this week", I've wasted their best 30 minutes with me.
What I listen for
- "I'm fine" said very quickly
- Someone who used to push back in design reviews going quiet
- Cameras off when they used to be on
- Questions about other teams that sound like a job search
None of these mean anything alone. Together they mean ask a gentle, open question and give the person room.
Managers, what's the question that gets you the most honest answers? And if you're not a manager: what do you wish your manager asked you?
Written by
Renee Whitfield
Engineering Manager at a payments company in NYC. 14 years in, 6 managing. I write about 1:1s, promo packets, hiring fairly, and getting Black women into rooms that weren't built for us. Spelman alum. Opinions mine.
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